Over the last couple of months, a number of cyclists have been stepping up to the mic and admitting to using, thinking about using, standing next to someone who was using, kicking ass while using, drugs. And now that Le Tour is Le Underway, I have a few things that I need to get out in the open.
Austin and I have long discussed the pharmaceutical spectrum of performance enhancement. I mean, where are on the line are Flintstone Vitamins and EPO? Is an oxygen tent used to simulate high altitude training really so different from blood doping if it has a similar effect? Where does the glory of human potential turn into a miracle of science?
Like everyone else, I too want my star athlete at the top of his game. Therefore today, in order to shed the burden of guilt, I would like to make the following confession:
For the last three months, I have systematically implemented a regimen to enhance the athletic performance of my star athlete, Austin. In close coordination with local coffee brewers (see Exhibit A) I have been supplying him with Stumptown Coffee in the morning, a sack lunch, and a snack in order to support his daily bike commute.
(Exhibit A)
There is no yellow jersey to return. No other teammates to implicate. All I can offer as an explanation is that the pressures of Bike to Work Week were just too great to overcome. We commit ourselves to riding clean from here on out, and hope all our fans can forgive us.
O god.
I guess this means I have to come clean as well.
Seriously - hilarious post. And, of course, god bless the stumptown.
My boyfriend Sal says “Hollllllllllllllllller Mount’n!” in his best cowpoke voice every time i buy that blend.
Lately, however, we’re on a big Hairbender kick.